The Rhodi Alternative

  I must confess i have been suffering from a little writers block lately.  Work has been busy, as has home life so i haven’t updated in a while.  But the time is now fortuitous for such an occurrence to...er...occur.  But what to write about?  I find myself pausing, my right hand hovering over the keyboard in much the same way as a hoverboard does when above water (for those uncultured of you amongst the reading ranks that was a Back to the Future reference.  It is a widely documented fact that hoverboards don’t work on water).

  Just as my hand is about to retreat shamefully from the keyboard and head towards the bag of shame to retrieve a banana of sorrow a thought occurred.  What if Rhodi was not Rhodi?  What if the chain of chance occurrences that brought each individual here had not happened?  What would people be doing?  Or more importantly perhaps the question should be, “what occupation would each person hold had they not signed the contract at Rhodi?"  Now at last, a meaty question to get my blog teeth into.  So let us begin our anthropological look at the individuals of Rhodi and their alternate dimension occupations...

Tanaka Mutimba – Professional Racket man

  T loves racket sports, his biggest claim to fame being the fact that he once started a Mexican wave involving the Royal box at Wimbledon.  T is also more English than an English man, having grown up on Kensington Rd, just off Enterprise Rd, not far from the Newlands Bypass.  His estate even has living quarters for the gardener and is close to local facilities.  Surely the English dream.  T also has a deep fondness for cakes and chips.  Perhaps i am wrong and T should just try and get a job as a ‘Professional Englishman’, he could appear at parties dressed in his eveningwear and regale guests with stories of his exploits in the trenches and how he once won a cabinet of cigar boxes in a game of chance at his local gentleman’s club.  Or perhaps a combination of the two, a professional tennis player representing England in all the international contest.  I am not sure if he would be able to handle the pain of consistently failing to win any tournament he enters, despite having the hopes of the nation riding on his victory.  Perhaps it is best if T remains at Rhodi as ‘Master of Purchase Orders’.

Lennie Reid – International Man of Mystery

Yes, i borrowed the job title from Austin Powers but only because it so perfectly fits in with what i imagine alternate Lennie would be like.  Fast cars, faster women and mean fighting skills would be a must.  Fortunately Lennie has most of this down already.  Ladies fall at his feet like peasants before a King, and i believe his car can do 0 - 60 in a nanosecond which at the very least is useful for beating rush hour traffic.  As for fighting skills i am not too sure, but i once saw him snap at a fellow colleague who soon thereafter turned into a gooey mess and had to “gloop” their way out of the office in a cup to be reassembled at a later date.  Lennie also has the required ability to fire off a one-liner following any statement which is an absolute necessity for this job role.

Imran Bangi – Chairman of the United Nations

Imran has a way with words.  You could have 10p to your name but at the end of a phone call from Imran you will have ordered £5000 worth of stock and opened up a second store in Harrogate.  These skills would be most valuable in politics.  I imagine world peace could be easily achieved if Imran were sent into the UN for a week - Nuclear arms would be destroyed, the world would be united and everyone would get a free polo for their trouble.  Should there be any protests from the members of the UN Imran will merely talk loudly over them, hammering his point home until they gave up on politics and moved to the mountains to raise sheep and milk cows.  Imran would then be elected President of the World and everyone would get a 40% increase on their credit limit – a happy future!

Naweed Rahman – Pimp

Damn Naweed is cool.  He is cooler than a fridge in the arctic that has just been elected Professor of Cool at the University of Coolness and Funk.  Naweed is the creator of such classic childhood games as ‘Doctor, Doctor’ and has dance moves sweeter than Mr Jackson himself!  He also has contacts at various factories globally so getting hold of custom made suits and fur coats would not be a problem.  Perhaps we could liken him to a modern-day ‘Huggie Bear’ except he probably wouldn’t taddle tale to the Police.  In fact, its quite probable that Naweed is doing this outside of Rhodi, more observation is required.

Lee Atkinson – Professional Quoter/Admirer

Lee has a marvellous ability to recall to mind any Alan Partridge quote he so desires.  If he did not work at Rhodi i imagine that he would live a life much like Alan, driving round in his Rover recording poor ideas for TV shows on his Dictaphone and naming his children after Abba songs.  He would regularly dine out, have a little meltdown and ask people to “smell his cheese”.  It is possible he could also pierce his foot on a spike trying to break into his local gentleman’s club.  Should an Alan Partridge film be released i have no doubt Lee would be camping outside the cinema a week in advance.  I am not sure if he could make a living as an Alan quoter/admirer but im sure he’d give it one heck of a shot!

John Whittaker – Travelator

When i say Travelator i don’t mean the fast-moving flat escalators you see in train stations and airports, i mean ‘man who travels’.  I imagine John to be perfectly at ease moving from country to country with a pack on his back making his living as he moves along.  Being a Brainteaser champion means John is fully equipped with the knowledge required for achieving victory in any pub quiz meaning all he has to do whilst abroad is sacrifice one of his evenings a week to answer a few questions and walk away with the prize.  Although i don’t think spending an evening in a pub would seem much of a sacrifice to John really.

Paul Phelan – Professional Panicker/Meer cat Impersonator

Paul loves a flap.  He’s got more flap than a migrating Condor.  He regularly gets himself into a little panic whenever anything goes slightly wrong which tends to result in a sudden need for coffee.  He could be wheeled out during workplace seminars as a demonstration of the ill effects that stress and caffeine can have on the body.  When Paul is caught up in the middle of what i like to call a ‘stressisode’ (that is a witty combination of stress and episode) he stands up and then sits down in rapid succession twitching his head from side to side much like the aforementioned Meer Cat.   Perhaps he could be utilised in some way in a range of annoying price comparison websites...

Ceri Cattigan – Teacher

                  Oh, hang on...

Pause for Thought on a Friday Afternoon

I thought i would end the week with a true poem:

"There once was a young man from Rhodi,
who tried to open a PDF in Adobe,
The whole system crashed cos the server was gash,
and now noone can function at Rhodi."

Happy weekend everyone!!!

The Sound of Rhodi

  Every day at Rhodi brings forth new sound, be it John making some of his signature hand sounds, or T declaring "na n nii" for all to hear.  But these are not the sounds which we shall focus on in this post.  Here we shall be talking of the music of Rhodi.

  In the section of the office where I work we have no music playing.  We have to answer calls to customers regularly and besides, the banter is more than adequate to fulfill all of our aural needs.  One thing we love to do in sales/despatch corner is hum.  Each day brings forth a fount of different hummings and singings and I am of the opinion that these work to unite us as a team in a very '7 dwarves' like manner; although instead of "hi ho hi ho its off to work we go" perhaps "hi ho hi ho were already at work so lets crack on and get it done" would be more apt.  

  I have learnt many wonderous things about my colleagues through the songs they sing.  For example I now know that T's "milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and that Lennies social activities involve "too many men,too many many men".

  There is one song, however, that unites us all as one.  A lyric is sung and immediately it is harmonised by at least three extra voices, the singing then circles the office like a sparkler in the hand of an over-enthusiastic child on bonfire night. To those of us lucky enough to be part of this beautiful moment the sound is sweeter than a hundred singing angels, each holding a bowl of ice cream and riding giant sugar cubes over hills made of fondant.  A few short seconds after the first lyric is uttered the moment has passed away into the ether and heads are once more turned towards screens and the familiar tap-tapping of fingers on keyboards can be heard throughout the land.

  "But what of the song" i hear you cry!  "How can I  too become part of something greater than myself and experience this small taste of something magnificent"?!  Well, the answer is you can't.  This song is our song, you find your own to sing with your own colleagues...

... Oh go on then, it's "kiss from rose" by Seal and know that you are already humming it, altogether now-"theeeere used to be a greying tower alone on the sea..."

Rhodi vs Disney

  Last night at home i was pondering what my next post about life at Rhodi Towers could be about.  I was drawing blanks.  Had the spark of Rhodi blogging already been reduced to a dull candle-light flicker, soon to be extinguished by a slight draft from a crack in the wall?  I began to descend into despondency and was almost about to reach for a Coldplay CD when all of a sudden i was brought back from the brink when i noticed the Disney shelf on my rather expansive DVD collection.  Now, i love Rhodi life and i love Disney.  What, thought i quietly to myself, if the two were combined in some kind of glorious animated/real life utopia?  My mind began to race with the possibilities and i was almost unable to eat my coconut cookie.  I later realised this was due to being partially sat on the side of my dressing gown, thus hampering limb movement along the right side of my body.

  How to realise this Disney/Rhodi crossover dream though?  Finally my mind settled on a solution.  I would pick members of the Rhodi workforce and replace them in my minds eye with a Disney character that i feel most reflects them.  I will be sticking to the more famous Disney characters so as to avoid questioning glances from those of you who read this (yes i am aware that you may not be able to glance at me from wherever you are sat reading this, technology is not so advanced yet alas).  So here it be, hopefully people aren’t offended and take it in a convivial manner (yes it’s a word and a mighty one at that)!

1  Lennie Reid aka Lumiere from Beauty and The Beast.

Lennie is a ladies man, loves a song, enjoys fine dining and i believe his home is very hospitable.  Lumiere is a mops candle (until he and his lady get turned human again once the spell upon the castle has been broken), he loves to take the lead in a musical number, he puts on a great banquet and he welcomes Belle into the castle despite his orders from The Beast.  Im not sure if Lennie can light up a dark hallway using only his body put im pretty sure his Blackberry has a power light.

2  Tanaka Mutimba aka Sebastian from The Little Mermaid.

In my mind T speaks with a voice just like Sebastian.  Sebastian is the only orange character in the whole film and T is definitely the only black man who is sat directly on my left.  Sebastian is a musical character as is T, and he is ranked very highly in the court of King Neptune, much like T is here at Rhodi Towers.  The only difference i can see is that Sebastian lives under the sea whereas T will not go near water for fear of being swallowed whole by a giant inverse mermaid (an inverse mermaid is a creature with the top half of a fish and the bottom half of a woman-im not sure which i prefer).

3  Paul Phelon (or is it Phelan?  For the sake of continuity let us just call him Phelonkadonk) aka Timon from The Lion King.

For starters they are pretty much proportionately the same.  They both love an accessory (in Timon’s case it is a Warthog named Pumbaa, in Phelonkadonks case it is usually a belt or bag).  Both enjoy a wise crack and have an air of nervousness which surrounds them, much like the quivering smell lines you see rising from cartoon poo’s.  Timon gets excited when he finds out Simba is meant to be king.  Phelonkadonk is similarly obsessed with power, thinking that if he determinedly focuses on his accessories career he will soon be plucked from the huddled masses and placed in a seat of power where he will be able to distribute accessories to all, especially those who don’t want them.

4  Jan Vincent Goddard aka Baloo from The Jungle Book.

Yet another character who likes a song and dance.  Much like Baloo Jan likes to be a leader, taking younger ones who need a role model under his wing.  But, as is the case with Baloo, this is doomed to fail and the young rising stars leave Jan in search of greater things.  Jan is not alone for long however as he seeks solace in his close friend Bagheera (potentially Chi, i haven’t quite decided on this one yet).  Together they skip merrily arm in arm through the jungle as the scene fades and the credits roll.  Baloo shows outstanding integrity to his friends (especially Mowgli), and Jan shows similar in relation to his customers, a most praiseworthy trait!

5  Ceri Cattigan aka Magic Carpet from Aladdin.

In the film Magic Carpet says nothing.  In Rhodi Towers you are lucky if you hear a sentence an hour from Mrs Cattigan.  This is no bad thing (not that we dislike it when Ceri speaks, far from it), rather it means that she is hard at work credit controlling.  Yet, when a comrade is in need magic carpet Ceri swoops in to carry them off to a place i like to call ‘helpland’ which is a magical land where all problems are solved by community suggestion and voting.  Also, Ceri sometimes wears blueish purple which i believe is the exact pantone reference for the colour of Magic Carpet.

6  Lee Atkinson aka Zazu from The Lion King.

Very English.  Zazu acts as the herald of Mufasa (do you hear that name and shudder) and is often required to look after young Simba and Nala.  Lee often serves as the herald of the Directors.  Very rarely in one place for long, Lee is often seen flying about completing tasks, often with a small following of other employees flying behind in his wake.  Has Lee ever been to an Elephant graveyard?  Perhaps not, but im pretty sure he’s been to the zoo and that is close enough for now.

  I feel that that is enough musing for now about Disney/Rhodi crossovers.  Perhaps in the future i shall post again with further developments of this cornucopia of wonderment i can picture in my mind, but for now Baloo needs something despatching, Timon is looking stressed, and Sebastian is missing......

Life at Rhodi Towers

  There is something altogether comfortable about being sat directly inbetween a tooting Chorley-man and an African man who regularly sings out hits from the 60's and onwards.  Such is life at Rhodi Towers, the cultural centre of Preston.  I work in what i like to call "The Despatch Dept" which consists of myself and whoever i choose to designate from a day to day basis.  How do i fill my time between despatches i hear you cry out as you read this blog, sat in a comfy leather chair and probably sipping hot beverages from a cardboard cup.  I fill my time doing spreadsheets for one of our directors, helping our accessories manager calm down and doing odd jobs for everyone in the office.  Or doing a brew run.  Rhodi people love a brew run.

  Life is quiet here today.  Imran (our Brand Manager) is currently in Canada no doubt trying to force stores to start stocking our products.  He has a great ability to sell things and i have no doubt that should he turn up on my doorstep one day trying to flog me some tupperware my kitchen would soon be crammed full of cubic plastic containers filled with nothing.

  We are between seasons at the moment, AW11 is dwindling and soon SS12 will be launching, injecting fresh style to our beloved nation.  It will soon be hometime and to be honest i am awaiting it.  My throat is hurting and ive done no despatching for about a week.  Work is slow right now, but i keep myself occupied helping others out with their work.  At least we can have a laugh or two whilst we wait for it to pick up again.

  There are a variety of characters that work here at Rhodi Towers.  I shall highlight a few over future posts but lets start with Jan Vincent Goddard.  He thinks everyone is racist, talks non-stop about football, says muchos gracias despite not being mexican, puts too much pressure on your shoulders when he leans on you, steals your computer as soon as you leave your desk and dresses like the last cowboy in the west.  But do we love him?  I leave you to answer that one.

  Directly to my right we also have John Whittaker.  The man who goes lady shopping on plenty of fish, can make sounds previously unheard of by blowing into his hands (reminiscent of a whale looking for a ladywhale to have 'relations' with), likes to emit a stinky toot, takes immense pleasure from hosting the daily 'guess the yoghurt flavour' contest (which is usually won by Ceri, more on her in later posts no doubt), wears shorts despite the icy conditions, and eats more fruit than a monkey.  Noone here knows what his actual job is.  I see spreadsheets on his computer, he prints things, emails are sent, but i cant say for sure what events he is setting into motion.  Can it be he is some form of puppet master conducting a symphony of deception on us all?  Or maybe a spy planted by our Directors to keep a pulse on the minions in the office.  Will we ever truly know?

  That is all i leave you with for now.  I am tired of typing and need to hydrate my mind with a fresh batch of water.  More stories soon...

The Measure of Manliness

  It is a well documented fact that real men can grow real facial hair.  The only people that dare dispute this scientifically proven nugget of truth are, of course, those who cannot grow real facial hair.

  Here at Rhodi Towers we have real men and we have....well, not so manly men.  Men such as John and myself can grow tremendous facial hair.  Good coverage, density and length that make us natural leaders.  If you saw us in an office environment no doubt your mind would tingle with visions of us on mountains, wrestling bears and catching fish with our bare hands.  People automatically come to us with queries and problems which, due to our majestic growth, we are able to solve rapidly and confidently.  There are then the midlle-ish men.  Still able to make decisions they are the seconds in command as it were.  They may be able to grow some facial hair but it is very focused in area and does not gain much thickness.  Last are those who, if we lived in prehistoric times or, perhaps, Sparta, would have been ostracised and cast out from the group.  No matter how many letters to Santa, creams applied, complaints to mother, or sheer willpower have been utilised their growth is 5mm of hair a year at best and covers approximately 1/10th of their chins.  My mind thinks immediatley of Jan and potentially Paul, however i think Paul has his own territory somewhere between the last 2 categories.  No doubt this will make him feel special and he will go home smiling and give himself an extra warm "well done" hug in the bath.

  While you may scoff at the notion of facial hair determining social rank i refer you to my own experiences.  I have only worked here for around 8 months, yet, a few weeks after starting here i was being approached by many long time employees with computer-based queries and spreadsheet problems.  And that was before my beard days.  Now that my facial growth is firmly established i am daily inundated with requests for favour and assistance.  Some even go so far as to try to bribe me with offerings of crisps and biscuits in an attempt to curry extra favour.

  You may think that John and i would battle for Alpha male status in the sales corner where we reside.  Not the case.  Our respect for each others facial growth is too high and should a volatile situation ever arise a casual beard stroke would be more than enough to calm the situation down.

  Anyway that is enough for now.  My interest from blogging is drawn away by a "closed door" situation currently occuring across the office...