The Rhodi Alternative

  I must confess i have been suffering from a little writers block lately.  Work has been busy, as has home life so i haven’t updated in a while.  But the time is now fortuitous for such an occurrence to...er...occur.  But what to write about?  I find myself pausing, my right hand hovering over the keyboard in much the same way as a hoverboard does when above water (for those uncultured of you amongst the reading ranks that was a Back to the Future reference.  It is a widely documented fact that hoverboards don’t work on water).

  Just as my hand is about to retreat shamefully from the keyboard and head towards the bag of shame to retrieve a banana of sorrow a thought occurred.  What if Rhodi was not Rhodi?  What if the chain of chance occurrences that brought each individual here had not happened?  What would people be doing?  Or more importantly perhaps the question should be, “what occupation would each person hold had they not signed the contract at Rhodi?"  Now at last, a meaty question to get my blog teeth into.  So let us begin our anthropological look at the individuals of Rhodi and their alternate dimension occupations...

Tanaka Mutimba – Professional Racket man

  T loves racket sports, his biggest claim to fame being the fact that he once started a Mexican wave involving the Royal box at Wimbledon.  T is also more English than an English man, having grown up on Kensington Rd, just off Enterprise Rd, not far from the Newlands Bypass.  His estate even has living quarters for the gardener and is close to local facilities.  Surely the English dream.  T also has a deep fondness for cakes and chips.  Perhaps i am wrong and T should just try and get a job as a ‘Professional Englishman’, he could appear at parties dressed in his eveningwear and regale guests with stories of his exploits in the trenches and how he once won a cabinet of cigar boxes in a game of chance at his local gentleman’s club.  Or perhaps a combination of the two, a professional tennis player representing England in all the international contest.  I am not sure if he would be able to handle the pain of consistently failing to win any tournament he enters, despite having the hopes of the nation riding on his victory.  Perhaps it is best if T remains at Rhodi as ‘Master of Purchase Orders’.

Lennie Reid – International Man of Mystery

Yes, i borrowed the job title from Austin Powers but only because it so perfectly fits in with what i imagine alternate Lennie would be like.  Fast cars, faster women and mean fighting skills would be a must.  Fortunately Lennie has most of this down already.  Ladies fall at his feet like peasants before a King, and i believe his car can do 0 - 60 in a nanosecond which at the very least is useful for beating rush hour traffic.  As for fighting skills i am not too sure, but i once saw him snap at a fellow colleague who soon thereafter turned into a gooey mess and had to “gloop” their way out of the office in a cup to be reassembled at a later date.  Lennie also has the required ability to fire off a one-liner following any statement which is an absolute necessity for this job role.

Imran Bangi – Chairman of the United Nations

Imran has a way with words.  You could have 10p to your name but at the end of a phone call from Imran you will have ordered £5000 worth of stock and opened up a second store in Harrogate.  These skills would be most valuable in politics.  I imagine world peace could be easily achieved if Imran were sent into the UN for a week - Nuclear arms would be destroyed, the world would be united and everyone would get a free polo for their trouble.  Should there be any protests from the members of the UN Imran will merely talk loudly over them, hammering his point home until they gave up on politics and moved to the mountains to raise sheep and milk cows.  Imran would then be elected President of the World and everyone would get a 40% increase on their credit limit – a happy future!

Naweed Rahman – Pimp

Damn Naweed is cool.  He is cooler than a fridge in the arctic that has just been elected Professor of Cool at the University of Coolness and Funk.  Naweed is the creator of such classic childhood games as ‘Doctor, Doctor’ and has dance moves sweeter than Mr Jackson himself!  He also has contacts at various factories globally so getting hold of custom made suits and fur coats would not be a problem.  Perhaps we could liken him to a modern-day ‘Huggie Bear’ except he probably wouldn’t taddle tale to the Police.  In fact, its quite probable that Naweed is doing this outside of Rhodi, more observation is required.

Lee Atkinson – Professional Quoter/Admirer

Lee has a marvellous ability to recall to mind any Alan Partridge quote he so desires.  If he did not work at Rhodi i imagine that he would live a life much like Alan, driving round in his Rover recording poor ideas for TV shows on his Dictaphone and naming his children after Abba songs.  He would regularly dine out, have a little meltdown and ask people to “smell his cheese”.  It is possible he could also pierce his foot on a spike trying to break into his local gentleman’s club.  Should an Alan Partridge film be released i have no doubt Lee would be camping outside the cinema a week in advance.  I am not sure if he could make a living as an Alan quoter/admirer but im sure he’d give it one heck of a shot!

John Whittaker – Travelator

When i say Travelator i don’t mean the fast-moving flat escalators you see in train stations and airports, i mean ‘man who travels’.  I imagine John to be perfectly at ease moving from country to country with a pack on his back making his living as he moves along.  Being a Brainteaser champion means John is fully equipped with the knowledge required for achieving victory in any pub quiz meaning all he has to do whilst abroad is sacrifice one of his evenings a week to answer a few questions and walk away with the prize.  Although i don’t think spending an evening in a pub would seem much of a sacrifice to John really.

Paul Phelan – Professional Panicker/Meer cat Impersonator

Paul loves a flap.  He’s got more flap than a migrating Condor.  He regularly gets himself into a little panic whenever anything goes slightly wrong which tends to result in a sudden need for coffee.  He could be wheeled out during workplace seminars as a demonstration of the ill effects that stress and caffeine can have on the body.  When Paul is caught up in the middle of what i like to call a ‘stressisode’ (that is a witty combination of stress and episode) he stands up and then sits down in rapid succession twitching his head from side to side much like the aforementioned Meer Cat.   Perhaps he could be utilised in some way in a range of annoying price comparison websites...

Ceri Cattigan – Teacher

                  Oh, hang on...